Being heartfelt is best, but we all sometimes struggle for words.
Finding the right words when speaking to a survivor of gun violence can be difficult; that difficulty can be compounded when someone’s loved one dies of suicide by firearm. Here are some suggestions:
Stay simple. A simple statement like “I’m sorry” or “I’m so very sorry” is fairly benign, coupled with a hug and an offer to help out, such as bringing food, running an errand, or picking up family from the airport.
Say you don’t know what to say. A Self.com article notes, “If you’ve never lost somebody to suicide, you might feel totally unequipped to relate to your friend’s loss. That’s perfectly OK to admit.”
Offer to listen. Self.com points out that Samantha Seigler, 29, who lost her younger brother to suicide…suggests saying something like: “I have no idea what you’re going through, but I want to be here for you. Do you want to share how you’re feeling?… I liked having somebody to talk to about it…”
Avoid clichés. That includes, “Time heals all wounds,” “Everything happens for a reason,” “They are in a better place,” “God has a plan,” or “At least they’re not in pain anymore.” Clichés can minimize a survivor’s feelings and the depth of their pain.
Acknowledge what’s happened. Ignoring suicide further stigmatizes it. Acknowledge the survivor’s grief and that you are willing to listen – even if you don’t know what to say.
Try to refrain from comparing the loss to others. Notes an article in verywellmind.com : “Everyone processes grief differently. [Don’t compare] their situation to that of others, claiming to know what they’re feeling, or offering overly simplistic solutions to their problems.” This also applies to survivors talking to other survivors.
Guns trigger more than half of the nation’s suicides, which is the reason the gun violence prevention movement has placed this recurring tragedy under a magnifying glass. Studies clearly show that homes without firearms have a lower rate of suicide. Additionally, universal background checks, Extreme Risk Protection Orders, and safe storage of guns are just three ways to keep guns out of the hands of those who may be suicidal. Suicide is often an impulsive act, one made exponentially more deadly when a gun is involved. According to a Rutgers Gun Violence Research report: “85-95% of all firearm suicide attempts result in death as compared to less than 5% of all other suicide attempts combined.”
Key takeaways from those in the field:
verywellmind.com
“If your friend has lost a loved one to suicide, they’re probably experiencing a range of painful emotions such as shock, denial, grief, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, loneliness, and helplessness. Reaching out to your friend, expressing your support, and spending time with them can help them know they can count on you and share their feelings without judgment. Be genuine: Tell them that you can’t imagine what they’re going through, but that you’re also grieving the loss, worried about them, and available to help. They’ll appreciate your honesty.”
Self.com
“‘The first thing is to not treat suicide as if it’s so weird or different or special that you don’t say anything,” clinical psychologist and grief counselor Jack Jordan notes…‘Treat [your friend] as you would treat anybody you care about who is grieving and in pain…acknowledge that something really tragic has happened for the person, and it communicates that you’re really willing to be there for the person…’”
“Whether your friend is preoccupied with what’s on their plate or still in shock, they might not be ready to talk about the suicide yet. ‘You don’t always have time to grieve right away,’ [survivor of suicide Samantha] Siegler says. ‘For me, it didn’t hit for a while.’”
“If that’s the case for your friend, they will probably give you a cue to back off and wait, [Alan Wolfelt founder-director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado] says. Honor that. ‘Let them know you are ready to listen if and when they want to share,’ Wolfelt says. And you can always ask again later or reiterate your availability. ‘Stay steady in your efforts,’ Wolfelt says.”
Jewish Family Services in Kansas City
“It’s okay not to know what to say. Sometimes people wind up putting their foot in their mouth simply because they aren’t sure what the right response to someone grieving is. Don’t be afraid to express that you aren’t sure what to say, but follow it up with ‘But I’m here for you’ or ‘I am so sorry.’ Those simple words can be incredibly reassuring in a time when predictability has been all but taken from a person.”
Notes the National Alliance on Mental Illness, “We use the month of September to shift public perception, spread hope, and share vital information to people affected by suicide. Our goal is ensuring that individuals, friends, and families have access to the resources they need to discuss suicide prevention and to seek help.”
AFSP lists U.S. and international suicide bereavement support groups as a public service to loss survivors.